Secrets of a happy extended family

New members of the family bring new blessings and new challenges.

You'd think that when a new person comes into your home through the marriage of your son or daughter, that you'd love them and they'd love you.  It would be one big happy family.  It CAN be that way but it also might bring up some new issues and/or conflicts.  Keeping in mind some key points can help smooth the way to that big happy family that you dream about.

1. Respect.  This works both ways.  As a mother-in-law, respecting your new daughters or sons-in-law, their opinions, their upbringing, their traditions will help them feel comfortable with you and your family.   They too should be respectful of you and your home and traditions, even if they're different than what they are accustomed to. 

2. Communication.  When problems arise, communicate!  Don't talk to so-and-so about what he or she did or said.  Talk directly to the person you are having an issue with, preferably in private.  Hopefully, it's a matter of misunderstanding and can be cleared up.  Not talking to the person will cause issues to build up and get out of hand.  What could have been a small matter is now blown up all out of proportion.  Remember to be respectful when dealing with conflicts.  State the facts.  Try to keep emotions under control.  Have the goal of resolving the problem, not escalating it.

3. Sensitivity.  Remember the feelings of each other.  Stay away from sensitive topics that you know will upset someone in the family.  Again, respect them.  You don't have to agree with someone to respect their opinion.  New daughters and sons-in-law need to remember that their spouse has a history with his or her family - don't be quick to criticize them.  Be kind.

4. Keep in contact.  Whenever possible, get together just for fun.  Participating in activities will help everyone get to know each other better and build and strengthen relationships.  If family members live far away, write or call frequently.  We have a family blog where we keep everyone posted on news and events.  Some families have family newsletters.  Whatever works for your family...

Maintaining good family relations with your adult children and their spouses is worth any effort to achieve.  They are going through similar experiences and can support each other and learn from each other IF they can remain close to each other.  New in laws bring new strengths and talents that will enhance the extended family unit IF they are comfortable in your home.  Grandchildren benefit from getting to know their cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents.  A few simple reminders can go a long way to treating each other with the respect and sensitivity they (and we) deserve.