Tradition

The more people you have in a group, the more complicated the dynamics.  This is true even in families.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I love each one of my children's spouses as my own children and respect the experiences and traditions they bring to our family.  It can't be easy finding your own niche in a large family but my sons and daughters-in-law are doing an admirable job fitting in.  I love them.

The complications arise during holidays.  Even when cultures are similar, every family develops its own traditions that are assumed to be passed down to future generations.  That's all fine unless a particular time-honored tradition clashes with your new in-laws time-honored different tradition. 

If you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your children's spouses, you're going to have to learn how to be diplomatic and maybe even compromise.  Encourage your married children to develop their own traditions with their families and encourage them to support both sets of extended family traditions when possible.  It might be time to make some new traditions that encompass the new growing family.  One thing I learned is not to be stubborn and insist that things are done the way they've always been done. 

Traditions may be important, but maintaining a good relationship with your children and their families is far more important in the long run. 

Eight reasons why I am a reluctant empty nester

All grown up!

Eight reasons why I am a reluctant empty nester...

Back row left to right - J  #1, married to S, two kids (a boy and a girl), psychiatric nurse, student; K #8, dental assistant, pre-dental student;  M #6, married to R, ambulatory nurse, student; R #7, married to T, orthopedic nurse; L #4, married to M, emergency medicine physician;
Front row left to right - M #3, married to S, two little boys, compensation analyst for law firm;  D #5, married to M, three little kids (one boy and two girls), graduate student, nurse clinical coordinator;  D #2, married to H, three little girls, pediatric nurse, college instructor.

They look so innocent but our family didn't get the nickname "The Zoo" for nothing  :) 

"What do you do all day?"

What do you do all day?  That's the question I'm often asked and the question that's so hard to answer.  When I'm asked it, I immediately feel defensive.  No one asked me that when I had children at home.  Even without children, there's still a house to clean, laundry to do, bills to pay and a budget to maintain, ongoing organization and decluttering projects, meals to prepare, food and household shopping to complete, children and grandchildren who fairly often need my attention and a husband who likes me to be around when he is.  Somehow, that doesn't seem like very much (of course, my standard answer is, "Oh, I just keep busy doing the usual") but these things DO take time. 

I recognize that I am fortunate to be able to be home to take care of those necessary things and still have time to work on more interesting projects like blogs, gardening, photography, family history, sewing and home improvement. 

Life is busy.  Life is full.  I am blessed.

Turning 55

I wasn't looking forward to turning 55 because that meant the dreaded word "senior".  Senior meant old.  I wasn't old.  I didn't have white hair, sensible shoes or too many wrinkles.  How could a person's identity be determined by an age?

But, because it's impossible to stop time, I turned 55 and I didn't feel any different.  Whew!  And I learned that some of my favorite restaurants and stores gave a senior discount to those age 55 and older.  Hey!  That's me!  This might not be so bad after all.

The next time I went to one of those restaurants, I proudly proclaimed to the cashier that I was a senior and got a discount.  :)  She laughed and so did I.  Might as well laugh and make the most of it  :)

Downsizing

When you have a large family, you accumulate a lot of things!  Furniture, toys, books, bedding, housewares, clothes...everything it takes to make a family comfortable.  As the kids leave, they take their belongings with them (hopefully!) but there is still much left behind. 

And one day you look around and realize you no longer need eight sets of twin sheets, dinnerware for 20 people, endless children's books, toys and school supplies.  You know you don't need them but it's still hard to get rid of them.

I've been spending the last few months trimming down our possessions and it's not an easy task.  Many things have memories attached to them.  Other things don't have sentimental memories but were expensive or are still useful or might be needed someday by one of the kids.  I had to put that thinking aside and be realistic.  If I no longer needed something, there is someone, somewhere who might be able to use it.  It does no good packed away in a box in the garage.  That made the job far easier to accomplish.

Downsizing is actually a good thing.  You're clearing out what no longer is useful and making room for what is important in your life now.   I'm keeping the keepsakes and sentimental possessions but the extra stuff is finding new homes elsewhere.  It's a liberating feeling!

Daddy duty

The other day my son called and asked if he could come over and visit with his two little boys.  His wife was spending the day with a friend and so he was doing Daddy duty for the day.  When he came in the door, he had a diaper bag over each shoulder, the baby in one arm and the three year old holding his other hand.  It was quite a sight!  I'd say adorable, but he'd be embarrassed.  :)

I asked if they wanted lunch but he'd already taken them out to eat.  He'd taken them shopping and errand running all by himself.  As the visit continued, I watched as he gently and firmly steered the baby away from danger (the cat), played with his other son, changed diapers, and all with the ease of a pro.  I was impressed. 

Some time when I wasn't looking, an easily flustered young boy turned into a responsible young man with his own family.  What more could a Mom want?

The power drill and me

One thing I am going to learn how to do (with my copious spare time) is learn how to fix things around the house.  My husband is a good man but his interests are more with the classes he teaches and I don't think he even notices when anything is in need of fixing.

So, today I decided to do something myself.  I have a necklace rack and a shelf that have needed to be hung on a wall for about a month.  Both required anchors for drilling into the drywall and I didn't want to do the projects wrong so I have waited...until today. 

I got out the power drill and figured out how to change the drill bits (no easy matter!).  I found the anchors, the level and screws.  I read how to install the anchors.  And within half an hour, both the necklace rack and the shelf were hanging on their walls, sturdy and not crooked. 

Why did I wait so long?!  This was fun and very satisfying!  I am already scheming about my next project  :)

Don't hold them back

I love it when I see my adult children making wise choices, acting responsibly, and being loving, caring parents.  I don't take credit for their successes but I am proud of them and feel like my time raising them as children was time well spent.

When it's time to wave good bye as they begin their journey away from home, it's easy to wonder and worry if you've done enough, if you've taught them everything they need to know to make it on their own, if they're ready for the big world.

I'm sure our parents worried about us the same way.  Yet, we were eager to prove ourselves and accept the challenges that come with adulthood.  We made mistakes, struggled and faced disappointment and grew because of them.  Our children are no different.  And like us, they too will face challenges, heartache and discouragement but those are the experiences that will help them grow and will mold their character.  To hold them back would be to stop them from turning into the wonderful adults they are meant to be.

I love my kids.

Happy Birthday Lilly

Today was one of my granddaughter's third birthday.  It was obvious that she enjoyed being the princess of the day, all dressed in pink with a sparkly tiara on her head.  Her four year old brother wasn't quite as happy with her getting all the attention but that's another story  :)

Those of the family who lived nearby got together to celebrate and so we had two sons, two daughter-in-laws, one son-in-law, four granddaughters and one grandson together, eating pizza and cake and just enjoying each others company.  I sat on the couch during a quiet moment and thought how thankful I am for these amazing people who enrich my life every day.  What a blessing it is to be part of a family. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

Strawberries dipped in chocolate, made with love  :)

I wanted to do something nice for my husband for Valentine's Day but didn't want to make him anything too unhealthy so I decided on chocolate dipped strawberries.  They were super easy and fast to make and I made enough to share with my son and his family and my daughter and her husband. 

Hey, I have time to be creative!  I could get used to this!

Perks to being an empty nester

I don't want you to think that all I do is gripe about my changing role in life.  There ARE some definite perks to being an empty nester.

1.  The house is much quieter.  (Sometimes TOO quiet!)
2.  The kitchen stays cleaner.  (No one is making yummy cookies all the time.)
3.  I don't have to chauffeur kids around.  (I don't have any excuse to go shopping just for the fun of it any more.)
4.  I don't have to wait up for kids to come home late at night.  (So why do I stay up until midnight anyway?)
5.  The bathroom isn't full of my daughter's beauty products.  (I liked some of them...don't tell her!)


Are there any others you can think of?  I'd love to hear them!

The roles are reversed

I've been fighting a nasty cough for the last two weeks and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.  But an interesting thing has been happening.  My children are the ones who are "mothering" me.  Seven of them are in the health care field (5 nurses, 1 doctor and 1 future dentist) and they have been so sweet and concerned.  Last night when I couldn't stop coughing, one of my sons sat with me, got me extra blankets and Gatorade, and just kept me company.  He put on a Disney animated movie and together we watched and laughed (and coughed) until the cough subsided.  I am so blessed! 

And, I've had enough of this cough.  I made an appointment to see the doctor today.

Once a mom, always a mom.

Once a mom, always a mom.  It doesn't matter how old your children are, you are still their mother and they still need you.  That was never so clear as the day last week when three of my children called me with personal crises that they wanted my advice on.  Actually, I think what they wanted was a listening ear while they figured things out on their own.  They are intelligent young adults and I know they'll do the right thing when faced with problems and frustrations so my part is is mainly to listen and commensurate with their plight.  And having lived 50 + years, I usually can understand what they are going through.

I'm so glad I can be available to them when they need me, no matter when, no matter what.

Technology

I still feel close to her even though she's 900 miles away!

I'm so thankful for technology.  Tonight I Skyped with my daughter who lives 930 miles away and I talked with another daughter who lives 900 miles away.  I can chat with any of my kids, see their antics on Facebook, text them anytime, send and receive pictures almost instantaneously, and get immediate feedback when I need it.

Remember when long distance phone calls were really expensive and had to be carefully monitored?  Remember when letters were often the way we communicated with loved ones far away?  When photographs had to be dropped off at a store to be developed and processed (which took upwards of a week), and then picked up again?  And then if you wanted family members to see those pictures, you again had to put them in an envelope and wait another week for them to receive the pictures.

Oh, how times have changed and this time for the better!   My kids don't seem so far away.  I love being able to see new apartments by having a Skype tour or getting a picture message from a grandchild who is doing something goofy.  I don't think a day goes by without at least one of my children calling me just to visit or ask some advice about something.

Of course, I'd love it if they all lived close but I am realistic enough to know that that isn't always possible.  And I would never hold them back from the opportunities that open up to them that take them farther away.  So I am content with the technology that lets me stay connected with them wherever they are.

Reflections on mortality

I just got back from a funeral for a sweet lady who I knew from church.  She was 79 and had suffered from health problems for quite some time so the service was both sad (because of her passing) and happy (because she is no longer in pain) as family members and friends spoke about their memories of her.

The death of loved ones is becoming more frequent and it makes me reflect on my own mortality.  I'm 58 right now which means that I've lived well over half my life, probably closer to two thirds.  My own father died when he was 54 so I've lived four years beyond what he lived.  That's so weird.  My 85 year old mother is still living but is in very poor health. 

I am reminded that if I want to remain active and healthy, I better take good care of myself now.  It's so easy to get lazy but the things I do now will reflect the quality of the rest of my life.  Sobering thought. 

It's never too late to make positive changes in your life but it isn't easy.  There may be many years of bad habits to overcome but the results are better health and a happier life.  That's motivation enough for me!

Reading and learning

I like to read and whenever I want to learn about something, I head to the library to check out books on the topic.  So it should be no surprise that I checked out a few books on the subject of empty-nesters.  What was surprising to me was the tone of both books.  I don't know if I'm from another planet or the authors are from another planet, but whatever it was, we live in different worlds! 

Both suggested that now that the kids are out of the house, it's time to buy that second home in the Hamptons, replace the family sedan with a sporty new car, take a month off to travel in Europe, take on a complete home renovation project to reflect your new freedom and in other ways, celebrate your emancipation from the drudgery of motherhood.

I feel sorry for women who feel that way and their children too.  Was child-rearing an unpleasant chore that they resented?  Do they think other things are more important and worthwhile?  Such misplaced priorities! 

They can have their new homes, cars, vacations and any other thing that fills up their time.  I will be content with the relationships I've built with my husband and children over the years and will find happiness spending time with my growing family.  I will enjoy the simple things of life and be
content.

Oh, and I will not share the titles of the books I read! 

Transitions

I'll miss you, KP!

As my daughter turned and walked towards the airplane and her new life in college, I turned and walked towards my car, aware that as she was beginning a new adventure, so was I.  Sigh, transition time.

I've come to think that the word transition is just a nice way of saying a complete upheaval of life as you know it.  Think about it...getting married changed your life.  Having your first child (and every subsequent child), changing jobs, moving to a new house, watching your five year old go off to kindergarten, school graduations, children getting married, becoming a grandmother for the first time...all these mark transitions.  Some are big, some are small.  Some are good, some are painful, all mark an opportunity to grow and learn new things.  Without transitions, many of us would be content to live in our comfortable, predictable worlds.

As with every big milestone in our children's lives (and in ours), I think we need to give ourselves time to adjust.  Old patterns of life don't change overnight and by acknowledging that things are different and accepting those changes, we can learn to adapt to our new circumstances with grace and dignity...and hopefully a good sense of humor.  :)

Using time wisely

I think the biggest challenge I have in this new stage of life is using my time wisely.  When I was a full-time mom, I had a reason to get up early, fix meals at regular times and pretty much stuck to a schedule.  My life may have been predictable but it was what I was used to.

The first week after my daughter left for college, I found myself going to bed later and later and getting up later and later.  By the time I got started, the day was half over.  Not a good way to start a day!  I started getting lazy with meal prep...after all, with only my husband and myself, we could go out to eat more often.  It sounds so ideal when you have a houseful of demanding children but it gets old real quick!  I'd go to bed and feel disgusted with myself for not getting much done that day.

It's interesting to see how somebody spends their time when they have no deadlines to meet or obligations to consider.  I decided that I didn't want to waste away my days so I'm now trying to get back to a more human lifestyle.  I still have a problem with staying up too late but I'm setting my alarm now so I don't sleep in and I'm setting goals for myself to complete each day. 

I finally have the time to do all the wonderful things I dreamed about when I had children at home so I guess I better get started...

Out of the mouth of babes

Me and my outspoken granddaughter  ;)

At a family gathering recently, my 5 year old granddaughter was sitting close to me and peering intently at my face.  "Grami, you're old.  You have wrinkles."  I could hear her mother gasp in the background.  I matter-of-factly said, "You're right!  I'm old and have wrinkles and you are young and have no wrinkles!"  And that satisfied her and defused a potential awkward situation.

Yes, to a 5 year old, someone in their 50's is old.  No doubt about it.  She was just making an observation, not trying to be mean. 

I'll leave it up to her mother and father to teach her about being tactful   :)

Age is Relative

I was visiting with a friend who is celebrating her 76th birthday this week.  She commented to me that she doesn't feel 76.  I asked her how old she felt and she responded that she felt about 40.  I told her that I felt like I was about 30.  (I wonder what my 36 year old daughter would think about that!) 

How true that age is relative!  There are women who are ageless...just as much fun in their 70's as someone in their 30's.  And conversely, there are women who look and act far older than their years.  I realize that if I am going to age gracefully, I better start paying more attention to exercise and eating healthy now.  Yuck.  And maybe work on my attitude while I'm at it.  :)

Style

Am I the only one or is it harder to find your style after you've reached your 50's?  I don't want to look too young but I definitely don't want to look old either!  Magazines don't help...most are targeted to the 20-40 age market and the one I found that is for the over 40 woman, (More) seems to focus on women who are just barely over 40.  Sure, there are some older women highlighted but when they show fashion layouts, the magazine again appears to favor younger models.  The mall stores cater to younger women too.  Stores like Christopher and Banks, Coldwater Creek and Chicos are supposedly geared to women in the middle age range but they seem too old too.  Very frustrating!

I stick to classics like sweaters, jeans, simply tailored skirts and shirts but sometimes I wish I could wear something a little more...trendy without feeling incredibly self-conscious about it.

Any suggestions for finding that right balance?

Accomplishments

Today in the mail was my quarterly alumni magazine from the university I graduated from many years ago.  I flipped through the pages and read about all the wonderful things people have accomplished over the years...news about recently promoted CEO's, accomplished artists and authors, business owners and newsmakers.  And then there was the article about the couple (who graduated about the same time I did) who were extremely wealthy philanthropists, giving generously to the university. 

I thought about my accomplishments.  I was a successful stay-at-home mother.  And...uh...my kids turned out well.  Why doesn't that sound like enough?  It should!  In this crazy, messed up world, being able to raise well-adjusted, contributing members of society should be considered a worthy accomplishment.  But in this crazy, messed up world, society puts motherhood somewhere way down the list of acceptable careers and life work.

At least my kids are glad I chose to stay at home to raise them.  I guess that's good enough for me.

Why this blog?

After raising eight children for the last 37 years, the last one went off to college, leaving me with the dubious title of "Empty-Nester".  I'm not sure I like the new job description.  It's too...vague.  As a stay-at-home mom, I knew what my responsibilities were and what I was supposed to do.  As an empty-nester, I have so many options...go back to school, go back to work, take up a hobby, volunteer, get fat and lazy and do nothing :)

My hopes for this blog are that by writing about my observations and the experiences I'm going through as I transition from full time mommy to empty-nester, maybe I'll find the answer to the question "What's next?" and maybe someone else can share what they've learned as they entered this new stage of life.

It's going to be an adventure, that's for sure!